this union was never about love---jonathen

[*ZUI NIXON PHOENIX!]

WHEN I WANT YOU ,
i t s t o t a l r e v e n g e

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"Please just see, so selfishly, that you are. This isn't as bad before" The words leaving her mouth were just part of a collaboration with her best friend's band. Her body moved to the music as she rocked her head. She loved recording, even if it was a single track that she was just helping on. She knew her band was schedule to go in soon. She thought she could just stay and record some tracks today. Her mother and father, before they died brought her a recording studio for the basement. She sat down there and wrote every fucking song on their first album that she could think of down there and recorded it. "This ones not for the radio, this one is to let you know. Tell that bastard you have as a father he should have taught you a bit of honor" She couldn't help but love these lyrics to death. She was amazed at how good they were. The thought of Storm came up in her mind that made her chest rumble. She hated her...so much. "I'd never expect, I'd never of thought that it would turn out this way" She sang those words eight times as she heard someone screaming over her and knew it was their singer. Closing her eyes she dragged out the last note and waited for her next line. Her fingers tapping on her thighs."I'd never of thought, I'd never expect that things would turn out this way"" She smiled as the song finished and took off the large headphones and opened the studio door. " AND THAT'S A WRAP." The producer said as everyone shook hands. After they all left, Zui grabbed a guitar she had kept there and sat down on the big chair, taking the guitar out of it's case and grabbing a pick. Setting up the recording button she moved inside of the studio and started setting up mics.

She was going to record a few songs on her own. She normally did that, Zui had a few laying around where it was just her and her guitar. She sat there as she reached for her notebook and opened it up, taking out a page of music and setting it in front of her, She slid the acoustic guitar over her head and started tuning, playing it carefully.As she played, she started getting lost again, it was just how she was. She played a few chords and stopped, clicking the recording button and started playing. Her hands moved quickly as she strummed the strings, the noise echoed in her head. No, she couldn't just sing yet. She had to concentrate on this damn guitar part. Her heart beat faster as her mind connected the song to the words she was thinking. How could she let herself think that she had any chance with anyone? The more she thought the harder she played that she was so afraid she was going to break the strings. Her hands ached but she didn't care. Zui normally never gave a shit if her hands hurt like hell when playing guitar. There was only reason why she was here. It was Christmas eve and she didn't need to be reminded of what happened the day after Christmas eve.

Today, she hadn't even dressed up in one of her crazy outfits. She just threw on a pair of purple skinny jeans and a silverstein shirt. Over that she slipped on the Escape The Fate hoodie she had brought and put on ballet flats. This wasn't common with Zui, who were boots and skirts. She left her leather jacket at the bus. Honestly, the girl felt like shit. Depression hung over her like a cloud as she played. After a few moments. She stopped and got up, Erasing the track she recorded and sat down, bringing another mic over, one adjusted by her mouth as she clicked record again. She started playing and she knew when to sing, but at this point she was lost again. The song playing in her mind as her hands started moving again. She could feel the tears gathering in her eyes as the vocals recorded by her brother echoed through her head. She wasn't adding River's voice to that song. She was adding her own.

"You broke my heart. You promised me the moon and stars. I fell for your dreams. I fell for your lies .There was no other way .You know I tried' She finished...her part and got ready for the chorus. "And I knew you could never love me. I had so much sorrow inside. You could never reachBut can I still keep
A place in your heart?" She looked down at the guitar and breathed in deeply, away from the mic. "Will you still miss me?" "Yes I'll miss you" She could feel herself getting ready to cry as she played "Yes I love you" She sat back and just played....Planes fill the sky. We'll both die tonight. We'll both die tonight.Hands from the sky. Swat us away like flies. As we follow the light" Now she calmed down as she quietly sang the woahoh's. The backing vocals provided by her sister. The song ended and she sat back, her chest moving up and down as she tried to control her breathing. Tears spilled from the corner of her eyes as she wiped them away with the back of her hand. Zui set the guitar down to the side and clicked play on the computer as she pulled up her knees to her chest, resting her chin on the top of them. She listened to the song as she took in lungfuls of air. She felt as if her chest was closing up and caving in. A sob left her lips as she buried her head into her hands. For now she just wanted to cry, to let it all out. Zui never cried, this was just a emotions she'd been holding back for a year. She couldn't stop after she got going. Her head started pounding as she ran a hand through her messy dark hair. She reached over and cranked the volume knob, needing to hear the song. She tucked herself back into a ball and started crying more. 'let it all out'" The voice echoed in her head. "Why'd you have to go?" She moaned softly. She wanted to know. This was the only time she ever asked the question out loud. Depression settled in as she just stared at the computer. The tears running down her cheeks couldn't be stopped. She felt like she lost everything. Zui...hated it.


status ! done
word count ! 1104
tags ! Alyssa//Jonathen
outfit ! click
notes ! MENTAL BREAKDOWN
credits ! the mouse & the model @ caution 2.0

[*JONATHEN FREDRICK KOERING!]

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jonathen finished playing his little pieces of the chorus and his solo in the little collaboration song they were doing with amanda's band, you'll never know. the two bands were close, in members and such, and they all got along with one another, unlike many of the other bands on tour. the bands had encountered eachother the year before on the same tour, and had been happy for eachother when they were asked to come back the next year instead of being asked to go home. this tour was a little odd in the way it was run, though that was the nice thing about it. one band was chosen to be signed and another five bands were chosen to come back and compete again the next year, then fourteen bands were asked to go home and keep working hard, and that maybe one day they'd be signed with a major recording company, but until then, they weren't allowed back on their stage. it was like trying to shoe off a fly, it rarely ever happened. so much shit had been talked about this tour that a lot of people were afraid to enter themselves and their bands into it, though that hadn't stopped him, zui, river, hayden, and phineas. it was almost as if they did it for the challenge, and last years competion had been more of a..challenge. jon was unsure of what the producer people have been thinking, but he had to respect their opinions and such because they held his band in their hands. he listened to the voices around him as the producer congratulated them and all that stuff, going to leave behind every one else, not really noticing everyone else.

now, it was a pretty well known fact that the people on the outside of the little recording room could hear the vocals and the music, just so that they could make the right changes and stuff. it took jonathen a few minutes before he even realized they were missing zui, though he wasn't about ready to leave her in there, all alone. this girl was a ticking time bomb, really. he wasn't as crazy as everyone else was. though he was halfway home, his guitar in hand, he started back towards the studio, biting down on his lip. what if some thing was going on with her again? he knew that he hadn't really looked to see who he had followed out of the studio, or if anyone had stayed back with her. that made him want to walk faster, running almost. he was pretty scared and over protective of zui, almost like she was his younger sister or something, but he wanted so much more than that. he'd loved the girl since he laid eyes on her, some five years before this day. he ached to tell her, but he knew that it would never work out..it couldn't work out. he hadn't ever even considered it, because he knew that she didn't like him like that..she couldn't like him like that, he wasn't anywhere good enough for her, so he had to settle with the fact that they could only ever be friends, especially since she was practically in love with this new guy, trey or something. he was river's boyfriend's band mate, and he wasn't quite so fond of him, but he would deal if it meant that zui would be happy.

quietly, he entered the room, sort of sneaking in even though he knew that there was no need. he could hear the guitar ringing out loudly, she was obviously upset about something. he bit his lip silently and sank into a chair. he knew the words to this song way too well, and he would've gone in and sang it with her, but he knew that there was something wrong..something wasn't right about this picture, and he decided to let her finish her song before he interrupted her to see what was really wrong. he ran his hand through his hair, unsure of if she was aware of him or not. his voice was quiet, there was no way she could have ever heard him as he sang gently to her playing. "the first time we met, your face became etched in my mind." his voice quivered slightly and his chest tightened. the words hurt his throat, it was almost like acid in his mouth. "you were the sun, i was the one who worshipped you. my hands were your guns, your eyes were my muse." he bit his lip hard as he sang, the words would barely move out of his lips, he could barely force his vocal chords to work together. he shook the pain away from himself. "and i knew you could never love me. i had so much sorrow inside, you could never reach. but can i still keep, a place in your heart?

[/color]" he listened to the sweet sound of zui's voice, and the sound of the depressing lyrics. he shook his hair out of his face, barely murmuring the chorus once more as her part ended. the part that would've been his, had he been in there with her, comforting her like he shouldn't been.

"there is something, i want you to know. i think you know exactly what it is. i didn't want to save you. i didn't want to save you. i set out house on fire, to watch it burn. but i couldn't just leave you." his voice crackled with emotion, and he was pretty positive that she couldn't see him, or hadn't noticed him yet. he shook a shiver away from himself, tapping his fingers gently against the chair. "and i knew you could never love me. i had so much sorrow inside you could never reach. but i'll ask you this, will you miss me?" her voice rang out an answer after his voice got slightly louder and so did hers. "will you love me?" he put his heart in that, wishing the voice that answered would be a real answer, and not lyrics to a song. why did this have to be so god damn shitty. why couldn't they just love eachother? it wouldn't ruin the band..would it? he brought in a shakey breath, shivering slightly. "planes fill the sky, we'll both die tonight. we'll both die tonight. hands from the sky, swat us away like flies, as we follow the light." his hands were shaking as he sang softly, glad she couldn't hear him or see him. "planes fill the sky, we'll both die tonight. we'll both die tonight. hands from the sky, swat us away like flies, as we follow the light." it only got worse, his knees were trembling and he wasn't even standing up. "we'll both die tonight, we'll both die tonight. swat us away like flies, we'll both die tonight as we follow the light." his voice was going in and out of lyrics and whoa's. it was scary how well he knew this song. he was barely breathing, which was making it hard to sing.

"this union, was a battle fought and lost. this union, was not about the cause. this union, was never about love." his voice got increasingly smaller as he listened to her finish playing the song, clicking a few buttons. he found it odd that even though she was recording on her laptop, he could still hear it, figuring the microphone was still linked with the rest of the set and the lap top, which wasn't a big deal. he watched as tears fled down her face and jumped up, careful not to fall over from his jello legs. he loved this girl so much, it was like a knife to the chest to see her crying. quickly, he rushed into the room, falling beside her. "z-zui? a-are you okay?" he asked gently, pulling her into a small hug, biting his lip gently. he wondered slightly if she would hate him for listening, or if she would take his comfort, which would be nice. she usually did, they were cuddle buddies, or so she'd said in the past, and he tried so hard to comfort her in her times of need. "what happened? what's wrong?" he asked softly, rubbing her back gently, scanning her face. she always looked so hurt..so broken, it was hard to tell if it was just her, or if it was her actual emotions acting up. [/blockquote][/center]

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status,[/color][/b][/font] finally.
words,[/color][/b][/font] 1 , 409
outfit,[/color][/b][/font] click!
tag,[/color][/b][/font] zui!
listening to,[/color][/b][/font] the end - silverstein ft. lights
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[*ZUI NIXON PHOENIX!]

WHEN I WANT YOU ,
i t s t o t a l r e v e n g e

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Zui was probably having one of the worse breakdowns in her life. It was like the hospitals. Where she just freaked out all the time when they tried to see the stitches. Her family that is, the doctors never questions the numerous scars that marked her body . She was in a gang they all thought it was just knife fights. Only, she never had been cut in a knife fight. Her three siblings had always questions why she had the scars. So, what did she say? Knife fights and some how they hadn't heard the word on the street that she had never been cut. She was shaking though, she lied to them. She lied to them to save them and protect herself from dying. The night of the car crash there was two people meant to die. Herself and James. She wasn't suppose to live. The plan was fucked up. The WHOLE plan. She had set it up. She wanted to die with him so it would be all over. So, she wouldn't have the carry it as a secret. She never wanted people to know what happened. How he cut her skin just to test knives and abuse her. Telling her he loved her but only if she was good. She came home crying every night from his house and just told them another fight. When they were in the crash she didn't want to escape from the fire but someone pulled her out and continued to beat the crap out of her. She knew they were only following their orders but it still would of been better to leave her there. She ended up losing everyone though, her boss, her parents and James. She wanted to die the most. They didn't deserve death. Her boss just withered away in front of her after she couldn't do anything for him. Anything to thank him for giving her and her brother and sister a home. Zui was convinced that everything in her life that she had she lost and that's exactly what happened to her. She hadn't told anyone that her and Trey had broken up because she didn't want him after the whole trying to get her to have sex thing. Funny thing, sex. Most people would except a girl like Zui would have given it up by now. Except she hadn't and she didn't know when she would. She had no idea of knowing any of this. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to anyone except Jonathen. But he wasn't going to take her. As much love as she was with him he wasn't going to. She was so fucking stupid. She was a idiot. She couldn't handle it. She wouldn't be going through this if everything just happened according to plan. But what happens according to plan? She never excepted any of this. She wasn't planning on going on for so long.

The song's lyrics swirled in her head as she played with the guitar. She was still crying as she sat there thinking. All she could do was think at this moment. She reached up to bush the hair from her neck but ended up tracing the scars on her neck. "I always had to cut you there. You bled so much.

[/b]" She choked back a sob as she moved down next to her collarbone. Remembering everyone of his explanations for cutting her there. She pulled back her sleeves and looked at the scars that were sporadically placed on her wrist. Some were made by him while others were done by the crash or herself. She was so scared up she wondered if people would guess her past. She was in a car accident not cut up and sewn back together, while being called useless and a absolute waste of space and air. Because that's what she thought herself as. 'It's because you are.' She was trembling as the familiar low voice echoed inside her head. He was suppose to be dead, yet he was still there. In her head, telling her things that brought her down and sent her into a depression that only lasted for so long. Each Christmas her breakdowns would get worse by the end. Her chest ached as she started crying. Everything was just shit. She never knew why this happened. But it was all just shit. She couldn't get the guy she loved because they agreed to some stupid thing so it wouldn't ruin the band. She loved the band so much. It was her life. The only thing that was keeping her steady. The only thing she knew she wouldn't lose if she wanted to because of the people in it who kept her together. Honestly, she wouldn't be any where without her band or her siblings. Closing her eyes she ran a hand through her hair again. She was feeling small, Zui always felt small. She was tiny, smaller than both of her siblings but yet the oldest. She couldn't help it but feel small. She always did, shrinking into her hoodie as if her limbs were getting smaller and smaller and so was her body. Despite her bring small though, she was strong and could pack a punch. She liked that though, most people underestimated her strength. and that was find and dandy to her till she beat the shit out of you. "Fuck, why'd you have to fucking do this. She spoke out loud. Unaware that she had. Why did people have to hurt other people? It was just stupid and she couldn't wrap her head around it. Did people mean it or did they just do it for shits and giggles? She probably hurt tons of people. She always had. It was something she grew use to and then karma bit her in the ass and hurt her right back.

She was having her breakdown though, and holding her knees to her chest as she cried. The door was opened and she barely moved her head to see who it was. Her heart jumped into her throat. She thought she was along. She didn't know he was in here. She didn't know Jonathen was still here. His words came out as a stutter. He looked worried as he was there by her side and pulling her into a hug. Zui buried her head into his shoulder as she cried. Did she care he was listening to her. No, she didn't. She really just wanted Jonathen to be there for everything, which he was. "I-I-I broke up with him Jonathen. He wanted sex and that was about it. Everything has gone to shit. Everything! I'm so fucking scarred from James cutting me into pieces and hurting me and sewing me back up after he cut me to pieces. Then the fucking accident that I caused. I told them to Jonathen. I told the other car to hit us so I would die with him. I wanted to die because it was be to much to bear and you. I've hurt you so much. I don't know how I could live with myself. I don't know why anyone wants me around anymore. Why I'm here. I just cause more trouble for everyone. I break shit I do stupid things and then I lose people like that. The only people I've never lost are you and the band and Amanda. I'm scared Jona. I'm fucking scared, I'm scared that I will lose you and Amanda and my brother and sister. That something would happened and you'd be gone right in front of me. I love you all so much it would kill me right there. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I just can't stand thinking about it because you're everything to me. Especially you, I know you probably don't want me but I love you and I always will and I'm just upset because I know that you don't want to ruin the band and neither do I but I really do love you and Trey was just a stupid mistake I made and I'm hurt that I was so stupid and all these scars are just scaring me and the voice inside my head who keeps telling me I'm worthless and that I'm just going to be thrown away by everyone else and all I'm good for is cutting up and sewing back together. Sometimes I think it's right." She said all of this in between sobs. She was crying so hard now and holding onto him that not even the jaws of life could get her off if they tried. She was with him and he was something that she wanted to be with in this moment. "I'm sorry" She sobbed as she repeated the words almost ten times.

status ! done
word count ! 1523
tags ! Alyssa//Jonathen
outfit ! click
notes ! MENTAL BREAKDOWN
credits ! the mouse & the model @ caution 2.0
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